the boy’s friends

I had dinner with the boy’s friends tonight. I cannot pinpoint what attracts me to the boy, but one thing’s for sure. His stable network of friends and family is the main thing that impresses and attracts me. His group of friends have stuck around since secondary school days, going out almost every weekend for soccer, late night lan games, and so on. With them, any conversation flows freely. A sense of bonding without overtly being flashy just permeates the atmosphere around them – that’s how comfortable it is, like a second skin. I told the boy many times how much I envy this close, easy bond he has with his friends. It’s like through thick and thin, up and down – they find some way to support each other.

Growing up for me was clandestine at best, and I have a natural cynicism to things and people. Even now, in university, the sense of misfit still takes hold of me now and then, and threatens to engulf me in depression. I fight it, beat it, and bounce back, but I can’t shake it off. A sense of utmost loneliness and solitude hangs about me like a weary air.

It doesn’t help that my family is not connected to a close-knit extended network of friends and family. I’ve never actually found groups of friends or even just friends that will stick by me, and that somehow, despite words unspoken and length of distance/time, I’m still able to keep up that strong bond with them. Not that I don’t try – I tried maintaining relationships with my closest friends, but somehow they drift apart, finding work, boyfriends, and family much more important priorities. After so many efforts to keep up a friendship, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that girls always seem to devote time for something else other than their friends, and perhaps I should be more selfish with my own time and resources.

Yet, everytime I’m out with the boy’s friends or family,  I’m reminded that such closeness does exist, if only I can find it.

What makes a relationship a good relationship?

What makes a relationship a good relationship? What makes the relationship healthy and strong? What level of trust is required, and how much space do you give the other person?How about the dreaded m-word, ie money? How do you manage money between the two parties? 

I’ve always questioned myself on the above, because as a child growing up in a turbulent environment, it has been difficult for me to empathize with others and hone the much-needed emotional quotient. 

I don’t think all relationships are built equal, that is for sure. Some relationships thrive precisely on power-plays: like boss-subordinate, parent-child; and some relationships thrive purely on well, a need. A need for sex. A need for money. Regardless of how and why the relationship starts, it always starts with a need – I have something you need. You have something I want.

How is that relationship supposed to evolve, then? I always believe that for a relationship to be healthy enough to weather storms, it has to be a positive relationship that will give you space to grow, yet be strong enough to hold you when you fall. It should be a learning experience for all parties involved, helping each other to be a better person, day by day. And I think, most importantly, all parties involved should be able to shake hands on the fact that no matter what, this relationship will not dissolve. Just like the Unbreakable Vow in the Harry Potter series. This allows the parties involved to take a step back to look at the matter in perspective.

I doubt a relationship can survive without any learning and growing. Take my parents’ relationship for example. I think at best, it can be described as a typical, surburban relationship. Or quite a failure. It seems like in their 20 odd years of marriage, despite the many storms they’ve weathered together, they haven’t found a way to resolve their issues without resorting to anger and blackmail. 

I think it also stems from a lack of insecurity and self love. Both my parents had difficult relationships with their own parents, and this in turn, led to a history of negligence and ill-will. 

How then, do I break out of this cycle of unlove?

daily doodles//happiness

I used to be really afraid to savour happiness.
I was afraid that it’ll melt quickly, like the flaky cinnamon on a roll. or the whipped cream on a chocolate sundae.
but lately i think that it’s meant to be like that – because happiness dissipates so quickly, it only makes the moment sweeter.
right?

it’s childlike optimism and unbridled enthusiasm that’s good for health.

believe.

they said all I had to do was to Believe.

Believe that what I wanted, I would get.

Believe that the relationships I had were real and sincere.

Believe in the trustworthiness of others.

Believe in obtaining material goods I have my eye on.

They said I only had to believe to see it come true.

So, I will.

daily doodles: old school/i have designs on you

I was pretty excited yesterday because the boy and I were going on a massive museum-visiting session. I dragged him to “I have designs on you”, which, according to the SIM site was

“‘I have designs on you’; a series of events consisting of a themed exhibition, talkfest and workshops, that champion local design while raising design awareness, organized by the graduating students of the Bachelor of Design (Communication Design) programme, awarded by RMIT University.”

I thought that it would be interesting to listen to what some of the movers and shakers in the design industry said, and also take a look at the students’ works. In terms of topics, it seemed almost similar to what  students of Communications and New Media studied; but it still seemed more of “design” than media, in terms of the different materials and mediums that they utilized. I thought it was a really good effort by the students, and I quite enjoyed the mini-exhibition.

top : old school @ mt sophia, in descending order: entrance of old school, designs on you exhibition entrance,logic vs emotions exhibition, typewriter//color – corrected

Everything was procured, created, and produced by the students themselves! Kudos to the RMIT students and their lecturer for organizing this event, because I think that they did alot of legwork inviting these fairly media shy creative head honchos up for talks…and I really did learn alot from these talks. Strangely enough, I only learnt about this exhibition from Basheer Graphics Books @ Bras Basah where I go to get my fix of design magazines..this says either something about me as a NM student, or something about the design industry, which?

We spent a fair amount of time dwindling around for a parking lot later as we wanted to catch a photography talk at Singapore Arts Museum, alas, the lots were all FULL, no thanks to the night fest. Oh well, it was a good exhibition and the boy really enjoyed it…so we gained something despite the expensive petrol spent.

design doodles

I was inspired recently by a few vector graphics and retro designs while surfing the web, but because I don’t have Illustrator on my computer, making vector images means a bit of hard work. Since that was the case, I’ve put it off until I found Inkscape.

Inkscape is pretty cool, it aims to be an open source copy of Illustrator. Obviously, importing bitmap file back into PSD means the quality was compromised a little, but I’m sure this can be solved ( if i only knew how).

design principals was forsaken for this little project: the emphasize is all over the place, and while I tried sticking to CMYK i couldn’t resist throwing in colors. This might be good for a company dinner’s D & D or a retro poster…

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